They got it all wrong

In lieu of a Christmas card

See those images with three camels cresting a ridge against a glowing sky and an outsized star in the top left-hand corner?

It wasn’t like that at all. They got it all wrong.

For a start, there was a whole caravan, not just three camels. Not that we got to ride the camels – oh, no, that was for wise guys. No, the extra camels were to carry all their gear - expensive cloaks, crowns and precious gifts.

Me, If I were that rich, I would travel in old clothes, but these guys hadn’t a clue about international travel and went decked in all those glittery robes and turbans. If we hadn’t looked after them so well, they would be lying naked in the desert, with all their fancy gear stolen and their throats cut.

They moaned from morning to night – about the sores they developed in their private parts from sitting on a camel all day while we trod along bare foot in the hot sand without a whimper.

Camel driving is skilled work, but did we see that reflected in our wages? Oh, no. We were told we’d be paid handsomely if and when we got them to their destination. Until then we had to make do with some scraps of food and curl up by our camels at night to keep warm. No fancy robes for us.

Camels get as bad a name as us cameleers. Treat both of us right and you get better service. When I wake my camel in the morning, I approach respectfully, breathe through his nostrils and whisper in his ear the plan for the day. Once he’s fed and watered and knows the score, a camel will be as gentle as a kitten. You have to let them have their head because they understand the desert. In contrast, our wise guys were full of themselves and always lecturing us about how we were not to stray into any of the villages we passed and not to get involved with local women.

They kept on bleating about following the star, when any fool could tell it was a comet. We kept quiet and did what we always did - we navigated by the pole star and headed West because, like them, we had heard the prophecies.

They were disgruntled when we arrived and they found out how poorly appointed it all was, but at least we got paid at last. Then they said it was time for home and we all said,

‘Bugger that! We want to stay and see how this wee bairn turns out.’

We had this notion he’s better than any wise guy.